Perfectionism

I had been feeling quite overwhelmed recently which is normal due to the fact that there is so much to do and having to fit it in where I can.

We all get overwhelmed from time to time but I had spoken to someone recently as I needed help in dealing with and understanding my emotions and they told me something interesting. They said that it sounded as though I was trying to be perfect in all aspects of my life. Seems obvious but, this was a lightbulb moment for me. I knew I was trying to do a lot but I never thought I was trying to make everything perfect. Trying to do everything right can lead us to feeling deflated, emotionally and physically drained and this is how I had been feeling.

I’m not saying that trying your best is bad; I believe it is a great thing to want to do well but it is when we put too much pressure on ourselves to do well at everything all the time is when we can be left feeling overwhelmed. I like my house to be clean and tidy but I have accepted the fact that it will not look 100% all the time. There are some days where I simply cannot clean everything to a high standard because I simply do not have the time or I am too tired. This does not mean I have failed. I used to think that if I did not do a lot of things ‘perfectly ‘ then I have failed as a person. Again, going back to previous posts, I would compare.

This is one of the main issues with social media; we see the highlight reel and can see people’s seemingly perfect hair and perfect house. It is not like that all the time and no one is perfect. With work I would compare other people’s ideas thinking they always come up with super activities (I work in a nursery) and I don’t. In fact I had come up with some good ideas previously it was more of a confidence issue. No one gets it right all the time no matter how it seems.

There will be some days where we are more motivated than others. We should strive to be the best version of ourselves without all the pressure of being perfect. Some days we will try our best with one thing and put less emphasis on another. There is no such thing as perfect really. I’ve learnt not to feel bad about doing what is best for me. If I feel overwhelmed trying to get everything 100% then I will be exhausted and not myself. It’s okay to feel like things are getting too much. I’ve learnt that if I get this overwhelming feeling then it’s trying to tell me I’m overdoing it.

Life isn’t stress free, but life isn’t perfect. Do not be so hard on yourself.

You need Negative Feelings

This probably sounds contradictory to talk about embracing negative feelings on a blog about positivity. I think it’s important to have negative feelings from time to time so that we can understand them and also learn from them.

It is inevitable that you’re going to have negative feelings. It cannot be avoided. When I write about being more positive I don’t mean that we try and forget our negative feelings as such. I do believe it’s important to move on from them though. We cannot just push our negative feelings away because they are trying to tell us something. Once we understand what they are trying to tell us we can dwell less, we can learn more about ourselves and we can react more peacefully.

Without negative feelings we cannot become more positive. If we ignore these thoughts and feelings then we end up feeling worse because we are trying too hard to be positive, it makes us feel like a failure. If we feel negative about eating certain foods then we learn not to eat them so much because it makes us feel bad. There were times I kept having the save negative feelings come up about trying to do well at work. I was beating myself up because I thought I was not good enough. I’ve also felt not good enough after being around certain people as though they are so much better than me. These negative feelings were trying to tell me something- I needed to look at how I felt about my self worth. It was important to have these feelings so that I could work on them. I needed to work on my confidence. This is what these feelings were trying to tell me.

If the same negative feelings keep coming up and take over then it is clear that it needs to be looked at. You don’t want to feel negative all the time but it’s that understanding that negativity is a part of life. Without negativity you wouldn’t have positivity. I find that if I have a bad day or a bad moment I always feel better the next day or a few hours later because I have learnt from it; I don’t want to keep feeling the same.

It’s good to have negative moments in life and we cannot escape them. Trying to have more positive moments will only work if we embrace the negative. Just don’t stay in the negative.

Bounce Back

It can be hard to simply forget and feel fine about a situation. If we could all do that then life would be easy! I have often dwelled on situations because of how I reacted to them and that my ‘bounce back rate’ was pretty slow.

When I talk about ‘bounce back rate’ I am talking about how quickly we can get over a situation. When you’re in the heat of the moment it is super difficult, particularly if there was one thing that was said that really hurt you. I have found that if I react quickly then I end up feeling worse because I am saying things I do not mean. The same goes for if someone else has made me feel bad or something has happened that simply made me feel inadequate. At the end of the day, these are all situations where I knew I could learn from them. That’s not to say I bounce back soon each time (No one is perfect!) but I have certainly learnt from my emotions and understand why I have reacted in such a way.

There have been times where I have heard good news  from  friends of mine and I have told them how happy I am yet I have also allowed myself to feel bad because I was so used to feeling insecure. I knew that this was becoming a trend so I had to try and understand why I felt so bad. Once I had then if I ever heard some similar news again I would have this sudden rush of anxiety and then I would feel better. This is because I learnt how to bounce back quicker. I was tired of feeling so insecure. I had to train my mind to focus more on the positives of the situation instead of the negative feelings I was so used to. It is not easy to do. Once you start training your mind it does become easier, however.  I had to not make this good news about me. Instead I thought of all the good things for them that would come of it and felt immediately better.

When we become upset and hurt about something that someone has said or done, sometimes,  nothing else matters. We just want to let out that anger or dwell on it for ages. For me, this didn’t do me any favours. I realised this and decided to change it. Breathing exercises help, counting to 10 and also remembering how the other person might feel. If they have said something hurtful then perhaps they are hurt too, or, they have problems with themselves.  Either way we know that dwelling on it only makes it worse. Once we can pause and think then we can react better. Sometimes it’s best to take some time out alone just to have a few breaths.  I know I’ve felt so much better having done this instead of going over the hurt. Once you feel calmer then you will react differently. I think it’s important to take that time so that you can think more clearly.

Bouncing back doesn’t mean not caring. And of course, if you have a traumatic experience you can not simply just bounce back- some things take more time and counselling. The key for most situations is to learn from it. Think about how it makes you or the other person feel. I found that if I think about how bad I feel due to dwelling then I can bounce back better each time. I know that dwelling will lead to the snowball effect of negative thinking. It just does not solve the issue, it only makes it worse. Once you learn to bounce back it’ll get quicker each time. You have to understand why you have reacted in such a way. Sometimes feelings are justified, but you must not let it take over. It’s not easy but talking to the person about how it makes you feel will lift a big weight off.

Bouncing back means acknowledging and moving on. Do not dwell. Think of yourself jumping out of the situation.

Negative Habits

We all have bad habits that don’t do us any favours and it’s hard to break out of those habits because they have become a regular part of your life. They are called habits for a reason. I found that I really needed to change my mind set into something more positive in order for me to change up these negative habits. It has not been an easy journey and I sometimes still think and feel these habits creeping back in. The difference now is that I don’t let them take over and they are no longer bad habits, instead, they are just minor worries that do not even amount to anything.

Now, I am not saying that we can simply just click our fingers and get rid of negative habits. I must admit though; there was one day where I kept thinking the same old negative thoughts of comparing and kept catching myself, which is certainly an improvement and then I just had enough. I decided that it could just not go on. I had been getting so tired, exhausted even, of the same negative habits that I simply stopped. This is not to say it’s actually that simple; it has taken me a long time to not let it consume me. I had worked very hard not to compare myself and get anxious about friends and their lives it would be a waste of all that effort if I simply slipped back into old ways.

If negative habits are holding you back from living your life more positively (which they usually are), then it has got to change. When some people think of negative habits perhaps they think of smoking or drinking too much and, of course, it’s important to work on those. When I think of negative habits I think of negative ways of thinking and the impact it can have on your overall well-being. I had to look at what triggered these similar thought patterns. I knew it was all to do with confidence and that I did not feel like I was enough. I knew that it had been a while since I had time for myself. It was also possible that I needed to try something new.

Whenever I felt the habit coming back I had to have particular words in my head each time to stop it such as “here I go again, let it go”. I also think it’s important to find your trigger first, then work on that. I make sure I do things I enjoy each day that takes the focus off others and comparing. I like to write to do lists which helps me plan my day so I’m not stuck with these thoughts.

If you truly want to change these habits take one step at a time as it could take a while. Don’t be too hard on yourself as it’s not easy to break a habit. Try to find something more positive to replace it. Realise that it can’t be doing you much good and it needs to change. Work out why and how you got into this habit in the first place. I find that focusing on my own journey helps. It does not mean I forget about others and ignore them. It means I am concentrating on being more positive about my own strengths and my own life.

Remember to take little steps and think about how much better you will feel once you get rid of the habit.

True friends

Friends are supposed to make you feel good. It should be easy and not feel like you’re making tons of effort. If you’re putting a lot into a friendship and not getting much back then it’s time to end it, let it go. It makes you feel deflated and like you are not worth their time. Well, they are not worth your time.

I have definitely been someone who has made a lot of effort with certain people and they truly do not appreciate it. I feel that they have most certainly taken me for granted. As I have gotten older I have had the relief of not having these people in my life. They made me feel bad about myself as though the reason they were not bothered was because there was something wrong with me. They have made me feel anxious because meeting up with them I knew how I would feel during and after. This is not what a friendship should be. The good thing is that I finally realised I didn’t have to make the effort anymore. They made it pretty easy for me really. Now, a close friend of mine is friends with some people who I have had these feelings about which is why I held on. After a while it became pretty exhausting trying to remain their friend so I made the decision to not bother with them. I did not have to hang out with them. I could just hang out with my close friend instead. Do not let anyone make you feel like you’re not good enough: you are enough.

Friends come and go as time goes on but we should not put all our efforts and hopes into friendships. It is good to have a few or even just one good friend. These friends should make you feel at ease, not anxious or upset. What kind of friendship is that? What other people choose to do with certain people is up to them. I’m glad I only have people in my life who don’t make me feel negative, who only bring me up and not down. If the same negative feelings keep occurring with these so-called “Friends ” then that should be the end of it. You have to realise that friendships change and you are allowed to say no to certain people.

Hang around people who are a positive influence. You can tell who really cares and who doesn’t. You should not be made to feel like you’re the problem-no one is better than you. We’re all humans. I know that I’m a nice, genuine person so it is their loss that they don’t see that. We can’t be everybody’s friend, even if it seems like some people are. I can tell you that they will of had friends that have come and gone.

Be there for those who are there for you. Do not focus on negative thoughts about people who serve you no purpose.

Fresh Start

I always enjoy the new year because I feel it is a chance to start fresh; to make new resolutions, goals and targets. I feel refreshed and like I can start again and improve from the year before.

Sometimes, I mess up some of my weekly goals and my daily targets don’t always go according to plan. I would feel bad and get worked up because I thought that I had failed in meeting my goals; that I wasn’t this new, shiny person. After a while I realised that I was putting too much pressure on myself. I think it’s important to have a fresh start or to look at what you could do differently even if it’s just one thing, but, things take time particularly if we are trying to form new habits. This is when I was told that everyday is a chance to have a fresh start.

It means leaving behind yesterday as that’s in the past, perhaps, learning from it and focusing on the new day. Sometimes it helps to have a bad day or some bad moments to help motivate you to start again. This doesn’t mean that everything will go 100% but I find if I’m feeling more positive that day then things will work much better. It is still important to learn and grow from your mistakes and to look at your goals but to remember to take each day as it comes with a fresh perspective.

I prefer to look at my goals and do them in small steps. If I try to change too many things at once then it becomes too stressful and time consuming. Find out what you want to learn the most and work on the small steps you need to get there. Weekly and daily goals can be achieved but only if you do them in a way that fits into your lifestyle. Even if you don’t have goals there will be something you want to achieve. Let the motivation of a fresh day bring a more positive mindset. If you had a bad day before, do not dwell on it. Know that a new day means starting again.

It is important to ensure that the same mistakes are not being made each day. Of course, it is hard to break bad habits so they are going to happen more often than not. What is important is that you use a new day as a way of slowly coming out of those habits with each day.

Make sure you learn, have a positive start to your day and try again.

Friends and Anxiety

2020 was an odd year. It has been hard for everyone. Not being able to see people has certainly affected us mentally. I have always been somewhat anxious around groups of people whether I know them all or not but what has struck me the most is how much I have missed seeing certain people. We are all social creatures whether we choose to believe it or not.

The thought of being able to see friends again has sometimes made me feel anxious. I cannot pin point why but I know that some of it comes from the social anxiety I used to have when I was younger. I no longer have that deep nervousness I used to have; as though I had to try and impress people all the time and try to fit in. A lot of younger people probably felt that way. When I have spoken to friends on video or when we were allowed to see a few people, I felt good afterwards. There was still a part of me that was nervous about seeing them but once I did I felt back to normal again.

Perhaps we worry about how much might’ve changed or that we have lost some of our social skills. The truth is friends should make you feel at ease and feel comfortable. If you feel anxious it’s usually due to either the excitement of not seeing them in a while or there’s something not right with your friendship. I have found it easier to not put so much emphasis on having lots of friends. It’s good to have a few friends but only those who make you feel like you can be yourself. If there’s anything but that then you need to not waste your time.

I used to suffer with bad anxiety. I couldn’t understand it but it was usually when there were big changes such as moving or having a new job. I used to find the thought of going to events with friends made me feel anxious. I wasn’t sure why until I realised it was because it was something new and I was so shy and sheltered that it made me feel uncomfortable. Once I was able to learn and grow from that then that type of anxiety disappeared. I realised that if I really wanted to go to something I would not hesitate, I just needed to get out of my comfort zone. If I ever had a bad experience then I could have the power to say ‘No’. There is nothing wrong with saying this to friends. As long as you’re doing it for you and for the right reasons.

I found that it’s more normal than I thought to feel anxious about seeing people again but not if you still feel that anxiety after being around them for a while. Anxiety is tricky as it’s not always immediately obvious what is causing it; it could be a number of things. Friends, however should not be causing deep anxiety.

I had also had this fear of missing out due to lack of babysitting and tiredness. I noticed that people did not invite me to things as much. This used to make me feel anxious and upset but after a while I was glad. I realised that we were both in different places in our lives. I was not missing out because I had other priorities. Not being a part of their life as much meant I could focus on the things I was able to do rather than worry about making room for their lifestyle.

As we grow older we usually have a smaller friendship circle. This is not a bad thing. We become more content. I feel better now having less friends because I don’t have the anxiety of trying too hard. That’s not what friendship should feel like.

Remember to focus on the positives about seeing friends and on the good friends.

Book Recommendation: ‘Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff’

Some of you may have read this or heard of it. I read it quite a while ago but, I must admit, I sometimes look back at certain chapters as a reminder.

It was only last year that I found out that the author died which really put things into perspective. There are a lot of chapters in this book but they are all short. I like this as it gives you all the important advice about certain things that happen in life. You will feel more peaceful and grateful after reading this.

Be Aware of the Snowball Effect of Your Thinking

This was one chapter that really resonated with me and it is also something I talked about in one of my previous posts. I like the idea of picturing a snowball and it growing bigger and bigger and comparing it to your negative thoughts. He talks about how quickly your insecure thinking can spiral out of control and the more you let it consume you the worse it gets. He says to catch yourself before being absorbed in these thoughts as early as possible. Once you do you can focus on being grateful for being able to take control. Sometimes, even writing it down. You can say to yourself “Phew I caught myself “.

‘Don’t Interrupt Others or Finish Their Sentences ‘

This was something I didn’t realise how much I was doing. He talks about what a destructive habit it is. Once you realise it then you can work on it. It makes you feel more at peace if you’re not itching to say something and just listen. He says it can make both parties feel irritable. You walk away feeling hurried and negative. Once you catch yourself you can remind yourself to listen and be patient. You’ll feel much better for it.

Learn to Live in the Present Moment

Here, the author talks about letting go of past and future problems (Some made up) and bringing yourself back to the present.  He says that “No one has a guarantee that he or she will be here tommorow “. This is so true. If we think of life like this we will appreciate the present more. Sometimes we worry about things that haven’t even happened yet whilst life is still carrying on. We worry about the past but it cannot be changed. We need to focus more on the present.

I would like to thank Richard Carlson. He wrote many chapters in this book all with important self help tips. Finding out that he passed away made me think about how I’m viewing my own life. We should all try not to worry so much about the “small stuff”. He even mentions that some of the “big stuff ” isn’t always as big as it seems.  In this book it is easy to look back at a chapter if you’re feeling uncertain about something.  It focuses on letting go,  being calm and being more compassionate towards others. You have to listen to your feelings as they are trying to tell you something. It really encourages to live each day like it is your last.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. I highly recommend you read this.

You are Enough

When I look back at how I used to feel about my self worth I realise how far I’ve come. I used to feel like I wasn’t worth anything because of all of these terrible feelings I used to have about myself. It was a pretty low point in my life and I knew that I needed to turn it around.

There were times when I felt like whatever I said people either ignored me or did not care enough to acknowledge it; that being quiet meant I had no value compared to the extroverts. I felt like I was not good enough in any place of work and did not fit in. These negative feelings affected how I lived my life; if I did at all. Instead of being happy for people I would be thinking about how much better they were than me; which, of course, was not true.

After speaking to loved ones and seeking help I knew I could feel better. Sometimes, we have to accept that if we get to such a low point that we should get outside help. I certainly needed to as I was on the brink of destruction.

The realisation is that no one is better than you. You do hold value. We are each individuals and have our own unique strengths. There are people that love you. We do not need to have millions of friends to feel like we are worth something. Sure, it does help to have positive people around you, but make sure those people see your value too. The relationship with yourself is the most important one. You must take time for yourself each day and do something that brings up your confidence. We are all humans with emotions,  no one has super powers. We just need to be a little kinder to ourselves.

Look into what makes you feel good and do some of that everyday if you can. I find a little exercise and reading helps. If you suffer from depression don’t suffer alone: seek help. If there is something that triggers your negative feelings you need to find ways of removing that trigger whether it’s decluttering your social media (or getting rid of it!) , changing a negative habit or no longer being around a negative influence, you should use this as motivation for change. Replace a negative feeling with something more positive instead.  If you feel like you have no worth then write some things you’re good at or what you like about yourself. It can be anything. It can be hard when you don’t feel like it, but even writing one thing is a big step.

I wasn’t eating well because I felt like it wasn’t worth me eating properly so I was quite underweight. Know your worth. I know that I’m happier now because I can see how far I’ve come. I do hold value. Make sure you know you hold it too. In a world where you are surrounded by advertisements telling you to constantly improve it can be hard to not look down on yourself. Sure, inprove yourself but only in a positive way that makes you feel good. Improving your relationship with yourself should be the first thing. Look at an inspirational quote to start off your day about being happy about yourself.

You are enough