Negative Comments

Sometimes people have said things about me that I find pretty offensive. We have all been there and it can really play on our mind and hurt us. There have been so many times where I’ve wanted to explain to them that I found it difficult or upsetting but I tried to let it go. I had the realisation that I needed to change, not their comments, but how I felt about them.

A lot of the time people don’t even know that what they said was hurtful or negative. Perhaps I have said something today that someone did not like but we cannot always tell. One that stuck with me for a while was when I was told that when I first met this person she thought I was “painfully shy “. Now these words felt like a stab. Through my teenage years and early 20s I was shy. I spent a long time trying to be less shy and more confident. When I got to my late 20s I started to finally feel more relaxed and more confident. When I met this person I was in my mid 20s and not particularly shy. When I’m getting to know people I can sometimes be more reserved as it is my nature as an introvert. She comes from a louder family and that’s okay too. We are all different but then when she mentioned this to me a few months ago it brought back those painful feelings I had throughout my younger years of overcoming shyness.

I dwelled on these thoughts because they hurt. I thought I had come a long way after fighting so long in my 20s. After some thinking it did not take too long to let it go. This was a huge step for me because before it would take much longer to stop feeling negative about it. What helped was realising that in fact I know that what she said wasn’t true. She may have thought it but that does not make it a fact. Again, she comes from a different background so what she perceives to be shyness is not the same for me. The people who know me well wouldn’t think so either. Now, she didn’t mean it to sound a certain way, it was just her way of expressing. We all say things where we may not realise how it can come across. Some comments will be negative but we don’t always have to believe them. What about the positive comments? Perhaps focus on those more.

In order to not pay attention we need to care less about what others think and care more about what we think of ourselves. Any negative comments that have been made perhaps write them down and screw it up. Write what is positive about yourself or even turn that comment the other way around. There’s a difference between someone offering advice and someone saying something you perceive to be negative. If you feel down about it you need to focus on what the cause is as most of the time it is something to do with how you see yourself. People won’t always say things that you like. Ask yourself if it will matter in a few years what someone said about you. Will you still be thinking about it? People were quite nasty to me at school but I did not carry that through to my adulthood. I know that they were just children and that is in the past. We cannot move forward if we are always looking back. If we constantly think about negative comments we will continuously hurt ourselves. Use these comments as a way of building your confidence instead.

Focus more on the positive comments and more on your relationship with yourself.

Focus on Your Own Life

In today’s society where social media is all around and used by so many people showing us their lives, it is hard to try and steer away from that. It is the main reason I got rid of Facebook and Instagram because I was finding myself feeling insecure and insignificant looking at other people’s lives and I don’t know why as I knew I had a good life.

I do have a good life, but I let my insecurities take over at the time and fell into the comparison trap. As I have mentioned in one of my previous posts; comparing is a waste of time. If you are looking at other people and the life they live and it’s bringing in negative feelings then you have to ask yourself why?

You need to use it as inspiration of what you could change to make yourself feel better about your own life. I decided I needed to stop feeling this way. I looked at all the positives of my own life and I felt better. What I needed to improve was insuring that I focused on the things that were important to me. If I felt I was lacking in an area of my life that a friend was doing well at then I knew that I could make a plan to work on it. It is not the end and it is not all doom and gloom.

Of course, there are some things that people have that are not always achievable due to circumstance so we must appreciate where we are and come back to it when the time is right. Focusing on yourself and your life means cutting out the negativity and to have a more positive outlook.

I found that if I was focused on my goals then I did not feel insecure because I was using my time effectively instead of brewing in negative thoughts. Focusing on yourself means not worrying about what others are doing all the time. It is their life, not yours. You can still care for others but make sure you care for yourself and your life. Don’t overthink about what others are doing because you are wasting your own time.

Take up a new hobby, eat better and focus on the things that are important to you. Learn to say ‘No’ if you are so used to pleasing others all the time.

Once you start focusing more on yourself and your own life, you will find inner peace and you will stop judging yourself and others so much.

Self Compassion

There’s nothing wrong with having some self compassion. It took me a long time to stop beating myself up for not being a certain way. As I have mentioned before; comparing is a waste of time.

Self compassion takes practice. If I made mistakes at work I would feel down about it for a while and think about how terrible I was compared to others. Perhaps I needed that to realise I wasn’t so bad and to work on myself a little more. When you feel down about yourself it can be difficult to get out of that mindset but, once you do, you’ll realise that you do have strengths.

Focusing on what is positive about myself and my life has helped me to develop some self compassion. If I am kind to others I can be kind to myself. Sometimes I think of my best friend or daughters and say “would I want to speak to them this way?” Of course I wouldn’t! It can be easy to fall into the trap of self pity and this continues creating negative feelings. To get out of that mindset we need a new, more positive one.

That is not to say that you ignore any feelings of negativity, instead, you acknowledge them without dwelling. As someone who used to dwell a lot (sometimes I still do!) I must admit I found it hard. You have to look at what causes you this unhappiness. Are you getting in the way of yourself? Look at your feelings with comfort and understanding. Making mistakes is a part of life, we just need to learn from them.

There was a really low point in my life where I felt worthless; that I was no good at anything and I hated lots about myself. Thinking about this makes me sad for myself back then. I needed help and I needed to practice some self compassion. Change your way of thinking which will take some time, but, do a little more each day.

Self compassion means loving all that you are and bouncing back when things go wrong. You don’t always have to pay attention to your thoughts, especially if they are negative. I used to think of it as my inner bully; I had to stand up to it! If you do look to your negative thoughts and find yourself dwelling then practice some positive self talk. Think about what it was that made you feel so negative about yourself. Write it down and then cross it out. Put something positive next to it. I find writing things down makes me feel better. Perhaps write down what someone said about you that made you feel good and whenever you feel down about yourself, look to it.

I feel like I am much kinder to myself than I used to be. I am stuck with myself so it needs to be a good journey.

Bin

A few quotes…

Today I am making the decision to let go of things that don’t make me happy. I am letting go, happily

averstu.com

Happiness means loving yourself and being less concerned with the approval of others

Owen Campbell Jr

Stop shrinking to fit places you’ve outgrown

Every morning you have a new opportunity to become a happier version of yourself

Mindset is everything

People Change

One of the things I didn’t realise is how disappointed I was to find out how much someone had changed. I knew that people change but, for some reason, I found it hard to accept.

The reality is that people do change. It can be difficult if you were best friends or close with this person and they do not seem to respond to you as much or hardly at all. It is something I have come to accept. I had to focus on my own life instead of being distressed about them. I spent a lot of energy being annoyed thinking “but they never liked this and now they do, why don’t they message me as much?” People have their own issues and their own life to deal with and things just happen. Perhaps this person was not meant to be in your life for as long as you thought. It is very rare for people to continue to stay friends with those from when they were younger. Think about that. A lot has changed since being at school. Are you still the same person? I’m glad I’m not. I was very insecure and shy.

Life is life. People will let you down but that can be your lesson. If they consistently let you down then you should not be wasting time with them anymore. If it’s hurting you then it is not serving you.

Perhaps you need to look at who you are without them. Look at what you want, find a new hobby and focus more on yourself. You’re allowed to be a little selfish in life. I no longer feel disappointed by this person because I have my own interests and priorities to deal with.

Understand that you have also changed. You can’t expect everything to be the same. It can be sad to find out they are not who they used to be but this is a part of life. When I was struggling with this I looked at my own life and how much I had changed.

If they are not providing you with the same effort then you need to stop wasting your time.

Declutter

I feel as though in order to really feel less heavy in your mind you need to think about what is weighing it down. Once you know then you need to get rid of it; declutter.

I love decluttering to make space and start fresh as it not only looks better but it feels good. What about decluttering other areas of your life? It’s hard to let go but if something (or someone) has not been doing you any favours then, perhaps, it is time to take that part out of your life. In order to do this you have to make the decision: do you really need it? If it has been causing you too much stress and anxiety then you need to find ways of decluttering it from your life.

Over the years I have had issues with people not messaging unless I message them and people not acting like a friend but pretending there’s no problems. This one particular person really got to me and I let it take over my mind. The more I thought about it the more annoyed I got not only at him but at myself. This is when i made the decision to no longer keep in contact or to hang around with him because of the ill treatment I received. It was a huge weight lifted because I did not have to try with him anymore.

Being friends with someone should not feel like lots of effort. You should care without it being hard work. It should be natural, after all, you became friends because it was easy to get along. As you grow older then, of course, you may naturally drift apart from people, but, for some reason, I was still hanging out with this person. It became increasingly more difficult as he did not make much effort and became good friends with a couple of my close friends. I found this hard because I wanted to hang out with them all without there being an issue but it only made me feel worse. When I finally decided to cut him out I felt so much better.

I realised I don’t have to put myself through this. We cannot be everyone’s friend. We have to not feel guilty about getting rid of the things that weigh us down. Now, there will be times where I’m invited to events and he’s there, but, I don’t feel anxious about it anymore. The reason being is that I don’t have to make lots of effort and feel bad for even trying.

If you want to declutter then make a list of things you no longer need. You can divide it into sections such as clothes, gadgets, people ect. Don’t feel bad, just really think about it. I’ve changed my style many times but I’m happy to get rid of old clothes so I can start fresh with a look that I feel is me at the time. I’ve had to convince myself not to feel guilty about wanting what’s best for me. I’m sure we all do this at times. If you’re constantly feeling negatively towards certain aspects of your life then why should you feel guilty about decluttering it? It’s a positive realisation in the end.

People and things will change. Declutter your life and declutter your mind.

Stuck in the past

My mind sometimes wonders off and decides to think about things that have happened in the past. When I talk about the past I mean it could be yesterday or 10 years ago. Either way, it already happened so should be in the past.

To make peace with the past we have to focus on the now and move on. What is done is done but it’s not always so easy; particularly, if there is something that triggers an event from the past. Someone said something that upset you and that comes up again in your mind and now you can’t stop thinking about it. You need to let it go because it is negative and no longer relevant. It was in the past, so if it comes up again you acknowledge that it was something in your past and you no longer let it control you. Thinking about it will only make you feel worse.

Let go of what you can’t change

I realised that no matter how many times I revisited or analysed the past it was not going to change; I did not have a time machine. Even if I did would I really want to change it? It could have made me a completely different person and I’m not sure I would want that as I have learnt so much from it. Of course, there are things that I have said and done that I have deeply regretted but I was in a different place and I was a different person back then. The people I said these things to, they don’t even think about it and I no longer have contact with them because we have all moved on. I cannot change it. If I constantly think about it then I am not focusing on the positives of now and I am wasting precious time. What will thinking about it do? It would only lead to a snowball effect of negative thinking.

The people who have hurt me in the past have only made me stronger. I can no longer be upset or annoyed by them because it has already been done and they have made me learn more about myself. Perhaps we can thank some of the events of the past.

No matter how guilty we may feel about the past it is not going to get us anywhere in the present. Guilt can be a hard thing to let go but you have to learn to forgive yourself. Perhaps it felt right at the time, perhaps you were hurting but it will not change so feeling that guilt will only bring you down rather than help you.

I learnt recently that even though I thought I accepted that people change I was still surprised to find out one of my close friends had changed a lot. At first I was judgmental because she had said and done complete opposite things before and now seems to have changed her mind but then I thought about it. People really do change and you can be a part of it or move on. Things are not always going to be the same and that includes people. I have changed so why can’t she? I needed to accept it and just focus on the right things instead of expecting everything to be the same. I’ve changed for the better and perhaps she has too. If people don’t like your change then they are not your people; they are still in the past. If you don’t like how someone has changed then may be it is time to let them go.

Do not let the past cloud your mind and trouble your today.

Caring about what people think

Your life isn’t yours if you always care what other people think

We all care what people think of us to a certain extent. To not care AT ALL about what others think of you, you would have to be some kind of psycho.

Growing up I started to become more and more self conscious and cared a lot about what people thought of me (as I’m sure we all do when we’re younger). So much so that I became a real people pleaser and avoided critism. It became quite painful. I used to get so anxious about not fitting in that I wasn’t sure how to be myself.

It is tricky because it is human nature to want to be liked and to fit in. It used to really bother me if I wasn’t as liked as someone else and comparing isn’t healthy. I was placing all my value onto the supposed views of others and it made me feel worthless at times. I had to try and get out of the habit of worrying about what others thought because it was taking control. Having the anxiety there was stopping me from being my true self.

A lot of the time people are not even thinking about you. People are so wrapped up about things in their life that you might not even cross their mind. I used to worry too much about whether I said something stupid in a group conversation or if I came across the right way. What is the right way anyway? If you find your mind wondering then stop and say “what they think of me is non of my business” and that’s it. It isn’t your business.

Focus on caring for yourself. What you think of yourself is what truly matters. You will be a prisoner to others if you constantly worry about them. People will judge and think what they think either way so you cannot stop it. Focus on having a confident mindset and that will no longer be a worry.

Spend time with people who bring you up and who like you for you. If you have to go out of your way to be liked by certain people then they are not your people.

You have to be proud of who you are.

Why compare?

Comparing to others is a waste of time.

I’ve had to remind myself of this a lot. I’ve struggled with comparing to people I’m friends with, people I work with and people I don’t know on Instagram or on T.V. Just think how much effort that takes. You could use that time to work on yourself or do something else that’s productive.

I’m sure we all compare to a certain extent but, for people like me, it became a bit too much. I was comparing personalities, how successful they were and how they looked. This is obviously not a good thing. When we compare to others we usually end up feeling less than because we are looking at something they are doing or something they have that we want or have not achieved. The thing is, when we do this we are wasting time worrying and judging when we could be doing something more positive

In one of my previous posts I spoke about social media and how it used to cause me anxiety. One of the main reasons for this was because of my need to compare. I could go on Instagram and before I put anything on there I would browse at posts for a while and then start to feel a bit inferior. This is not the best way I was spending my time. Instead we should be happy for those people but not go any further than that.

I realised being happier and more self compassionate with myself that I didn’t need to compare. Once we start realising that we are unique and we can work on our strengths then we don’t need to compare. Of course, we can find inspiration in others but we cannot decide that they are better than us. We can improve areas of our lives but we do not need to try and be the same as anyone else.

Even if we compare where we come off better we are still comparing which I believe to be negative. Focus on yourself and what you have to offer. If you feel like someone is doing better than you then look at what you have that is positive in your life and write it down. Maybe write things that you are grateful for at the end of each day or something that you achieved. If you want to improve in that area then look at the steps you need to take. You can find out what they did and do the same.

It would be boring if we were all the same. Work on yourself for yourself. Be you. Do not compare

Negative thinking

We all have negative thoughts from time to time. Some, more than others. It is not possible to think positively 24/7 (I know that!). Sometimes the negative thoughts take over and we find ourselves stuck in a negative spiral.

I read something interesting a while back that explained about trying to catch yourself before you over think; it was called ‘The Snowball Effect ‘. If you continue thinking and thinking about the same thing that is bothering you it will keep growing. Even when you stop thinking about it you will surely think about it soon enough! This is not healthy and it can ruin your day because you cannot concentrate when it keeps coming up.

There have been situations where I start my day off thinking about the thing that has bothered me and it has made the rest of the day feel pretty negative. I’m not saying we should ignore it but acknowledge it and find a solution before it becomes a snowball. Sometimes we may not find a solution and so we just have to accept it.

I find when I begin to over think about something negative I catch myself and say in my head that I’ve already thought about this before and I am letting it go. It’s not easy because we often feel that it’ll give us reassurance if we keep thinking about it but that’s the opposite.

Writing the negative thoughts down can also feel like a relief. Sometimes it’s good to have a point in the day where you schedule time to think about the thing that is bothering you write it down and find a solution or let it go. Just don’t let it take over your whole day or evening. It’s so hard to quieten the mind. Perhaps practicing a bit of mediation or something mindful will put you at ease.

Ask yourself; will this matter in a year? I’ve found this so helpful as it usually won’t! Focus on the positive and remember not to let it snowball.