Sometimes you need to look for something outside of yourself in order to become more yourself. This may not make much sense to begin with but I will be explaining more in this blog post as it has made me feel more positive about who I am lately.
My anxiety and low mood took over again recently and so I needed to seek further help. To be honest I was not quite sure where it had come from but, sometimes things do creep up on you when you had previously been experiencing it for so long. I felt uninspired, unmovitated and as though I was not worthy. I felt like something was missing and I did not know where to begin or what I needed to do. I had become lost again in the cloud of uncertainty and anxiety.
When I spoke to my therapist about this she sensed the type of language I was using and the lack of consistancy with my regular exercises that she had given me. On top of those, which she wanted to ensure I stuck to, she also asked me to think of someone who I admire. Someone who posesses qualities which I would like to adhere to. I thought of a couple of awesome celebrities, but then, I also thought of someone I knew; someone whom I see quite often and who I have always admired. She has a very positive attitude, she is laid back but also strong and she is fair to everyone. She has to go through a lot on her own, yet, she always laughs and puts the fun and energy into everything she does. My therapist said to be that person; saying, “today I am…”. This does not mean I am changing my personality; it means I am strengthening the qualities I already have and believing in myself.
My therapist also mentioned that instead of saying “I want to be more fun or calm ect”, say “I am fun ect”. This seems simple but it truly works. It is a fake it until you make it type of thinking. The more positive language you can use the more your mind will believe it. The same goes for negative language; the more you feed it with negativity the more it will get used to this. It does take some getting used to but I have already reaped the benefits. If you believe that you can be that kind of person that you admire then you are more likely to become a better version of yourself. For me, I feel that if we see something in someone that we like then we already have that within us. It is not the same as comparing as I believe that to be an unhealthy territory. It is about finding inspiration to be our true selves and to not be afraid of it. It is about being kind to ourselves.
Is there someone that you admire that you could find some inspiration from? Other people can be great tools to help us bring our confidence out that was always there. Sometimes the courage comes from speaking to that person for advice, which I have done a few times . This has always been helpful.
I hope this blog post can be of some inspiration to you. You are the person you want to be.
It’s very easy to make assumptions about situations or people. We do it a lot of the time. I have been very guilty of this also, but, I feel that it does not tend to serve me well because I have been overthinking something too much.
The assumptions that I have made have generally been quite negative such as someone not replying to me because I feel they do not care about me or someone not telling me something because they do not like me. I realise a lot of my assumptions are based around what other people think of me. To release this from my mind I have messaged people or tried to resolve it by writing things down. Messaging or talking can sometimes help but it can sometimes just make things even more of a strain on my mind because I am still thinking about it.
It can simply be a case of just accepting or trying my best to move on. After a while the thoughts may go away because I am over it. This has because I don’t feel so strongly about it. This is great, but, it means I have spent a significant amount of time thinking about it when I could’ve been doing other things.
An example is that I did not recieve a reply from someone but they replied to someone else. My asummption would that be I am not good enough or that they don’t care enough about me to reply. These are quite negative and a little extreme. I would challenge this by asking myself if have any evidence of this? Also, do we always reply to every single message to everyone in a group chat? They may have not even seen our message. There could be a number of reasonable explanations. Sometimes you just have to shrug your shoulders and move on. I tend to look at my relationship with the person and realise that I know I have been kind so there would be no reason for them to be angry at me. If someone was upset with me I think it would be pretty clear.
It is quite easy to make assumptions and I usually do it if I have been overthinking something. When we meet people for the first time or when we enter a situation we tend to make assumptions based on some evidence. I now stop and try to ask myself those questions before I assume anything.
People may make assumptions about me which I know they have before. It can be offensive but I usually look at what I was doing or how I was acting, where they may have got the assumption from. This is all a part of learning about other people and who we are.
The important thing to me is to not overthink all the time and make assumptions as it can lead to a negative thought pattern about the person or situation.
I chose the lovely image of the bubbles because they are clear and light. This is kind of like when we stop making assumptions; things will be clearer and lighter in your mind. Also, we can look at the bubbles like our thoughts; thoughts are just thoughts and we can pop them anytime!
Sometimes I feel I prioritise the things that are less important. Washing up and cleaning needs to be done but these tasks do not always have to be done straight away.
There have been many days spent where I focused so much on cleaning that instead of feeling that sense of relief that it was done I felt stressed. I had done the tasks but did not focus on my children’s playing. Of course, I know that children need independence in their play but I know how quickly time is going. I won’t be able to play with them forever. It is trying to find the balance between making sure that things are mostly clean and tidy whilst also understanding that it can’t look immaculate 24/7!
I feel guilty most of the time as a mum because there never seems to be enough hours in the day. I work part time and the days I do have off I spend with my youngest on one of them and catch up on tasks on the other. However, I realised that actually prioritising relaxing was very beneficial. I find it hard to relax because my mind is always busy thinking about what needs doing. I just make sure that I make self care and eating well one of the top things on my list.
When I do my to do list on my phone I now ensure that certain tasks are put down as a priority. This means as long as I get this done then I don’t have to complete all the other tasks. It’s not always possible to complete everything on a to do list anyway!
If something has been playing on my mind a lot then I make it a priority to get it looked into that day. Sometimes it might be scheduled for my worry time later in the evening. This means that I put it to the back of my mind until later before I overthink about it all day.
Sometimes I forget what my real priorities are. It can also depend on how the day goes. Prioritise for you.
One of the best words of advice I have heard (which you most likely have too) is to speak to and treat yourself like a dear friend.
Let’s say you make a mistake at work, you then start feeling down and ashamed. You start thinking, “why do I always mess things up?” You start spiraling into a negative thought pattern. Would you speak like this to a friend? This means you would be saying how foolish they are or what an idiot they are and I can imagine you would not wish to speak to a good friend like this.
I find myself starting to enter a negative thought spiral and then before know it I am beating myself up. Now, I am doing this less and thinking more positively. Yes, sometimes I make mistakes or do not understand something but that does not mean I am not a good person, it means that I am human. If I feel really bad about a situation I may find myself dwelling. This is when I write down or think about it in steps:
What happened to make me feel this bad?
Is what I am thinking helpful and true?
Could I look at this from a kinder perspective?
Above all, self compassion! No one is perfect. I have struggled with not feeling enough and having self esteem issues so some of my negative thinking has been triggered by this, however, I have learnt to turn this around much quicker and in a more positive tone to myself.
I can also learn from these situations. What can I do differently next time? Sometimes it may be the case that we do not change how we act as such but just how we feel. This can be a tricky one but remember self compassion. I’m not saying you can just switch your feelings on and off, but rather, ensure you are bringing in kinder self talk. You do not have to believe those negative thoughts.
The deep rooted insecurities can be hard to shift, it’s just something I have learnt overtime and it takes practice.
I chose the image of the heart as I love fairy lights and I think it represents something light within once you have more self compassion.
Self care plays such an important role in our lives. I think we all know this. I have been trying to care for myself more over the past year, but I didn’t quite realise what it truly meant.
What is self care?
I realised that self care to me was to really take time for myself to unwind and do things differently to a rushed day . It means ensuring that I am eating well, resting when I am really tired and taking the time to clear my mind. This might seem obvious but I didn’t really remember to do these things and then it would cause burnout. Sometimes I would think I was doing some self care but I was still overthinking. Self care to me means doing things that relax me. What does it mean to you?
Do what you want to do
What is it that you enjoy doing that is also relaxing? We can enjoy making things, going for walks or even exercising. It is whatever you actually enjoy doing that won’t cause you to feel stressed. Do what you want to do and not what everyone thinks you should do.
Dedicate time
If you lead a busy life like most of us do then you may feel like you do not always have the time to have a self care session. Sometimes, caring for yourself means simply making sure you nourish yourself. But, if you truly want a self care session when you feel overwhelmed then it’s good to dedicate some time each week.
Look for ideas
Sometimes I feel stuck in knowing what to do to help maximise my self care session. This is when I do my research and save some ideas. Some of the things I have found is baking your favourite pudding, reading, going for a walk whilst listening to a podcast. I sometimes find drawing quite therapeutic.
Eat well
It’s okay to indulge in some tasty treats on occasion. But, I know I feel less anxious if I eat healthier. I am caring for myself by giving my body what it needs and what makes it function well. This also helps the mind as it makes you feel good too. Certain vitamins can have a positive effect on your mood and increase serotonin. I recommend dark chocolate, mostly!
Meditate
As I have mentioned in previous posts meditation is relaxing and an important part of self care. Even 5 minutes can make you feel more relaxed. It’s good to try and do meditation everyday so that you can reap the benefits and become accustomed to it. Slowly concentrating on your breathing and letting thoughts float past can make you feel like you’re on a cloud. I reccommend doing it in a quiet room where you are sitting comfortably. I find it also helps me go to sleep If I’m doing it before I go to bed.
Remember…
Remember to care for yourself. Have a list of things you are going to do one day or evening and stick to it. Do what makes you happy. As a mum my children are my priority, but I won’t forget about myself either. This is your time to unwind.
I do find myself going round in circles in my head. I feel like I end up repeating patterns of negative thinking and behaviour as some of the same issues keep occurring. I’m not saying I can get rid of all issues altogether as issues arise in life, but if the same issues keep coming up and they are negatively affecting my life then I know they need resolving.
I feel like I do not always stop and think clearly enough about why these issues prop up. I seem to think I have and that I have resolved them. Sometimes it may be a quick fix or may be even a longer fix, but, eventually they come crawling back.
When these things happen I like to use my worry time; I write down what has been bothering me for 10 mins a day. If the same thing keeps bothering me I bring it up again in the next worry time. Eventually I have found the issues are resolved or become easier. If they do not then this is when I know I need to come up with steps to solve them and it may just take that bit longer.
Sometimes we are so used to thinking a certain way and create the same habits which is very difficult to change. I am still learning but some of my thinking has certainly changed. I have learnt how to reframe some of my thinking. I have learnt how to bounce back and let things slide better. All of these have been positive changes but it has taken some time to get there. With some of this new way of thinking I know when I need to give myself more time with certain issues.
Going round in circles in my head can be exhausting. Before I know it other past issues and insecurities prop up; this is when I know that something just hasn’t been resolved yet.
I believe that some things just take time whilst others you can resolve rather quickly. You just have to figure out what you need to give more time to.
I recently injured myself due to being in so much of a rush for no reason. I have previously been told to slow down and learn to relax which I have been able to do, but, the habit of running around did start to creep back.
I feel that it’s good to be ambitious and driven, but, I’ve learnt the importance of relaxing the body and the mind.
I used to think that if I was not busy then I wasn’t doing something of use. There had to always be something to do even when playing with my children. It’s as though the washing up could not be left for longer or toys had to be put away straight away instead of thinking they may want to come back to it. The mind was always buzzing with busyness! This is not to say it doesn’t still happen; it is easy to think about tasks and chores and they do still need doing. The key for me is to think about the importance: prioritizing. What needs to be done now and what can be done later? How tired am I feeling?
Scheduling in some down time helps the mind. I like to do meditation and write in my reflective journal. I also like to read. What’s your favourite book at the moment?
One of the main things is to really focus on the present and take it all in. I used to walk really fast and now I’ve slowed down my walking. This helps relieve stress; noticing surroundings and breathing can be the key.
When I’m excited I can move fast. I was feeling motivated and excited when I fell down the stairs! Whilst it’s great to feel these things, after doing this I realised I was still rushing in a similar way to being stressed. The feelings can release some of the same sensations.
Sitting with my children for a longer period of time feels very rewarding. It’s a special time no matter what they’re doing.
Physically and mentally slowing down can really help you appreciate things. I hope you are able to slow the pace in your life
Motivation can sometimes be hard to come by. I always find that I start the new year well and with a lot of motivation and enthusiasm; this tends to run out and then find it’s way back a little bit at some point. Last year, as previously mentioned, I learnt a lot about myself and it was quite a life changing year. This gave me plenty of drive to be more motivated in the new year. The only issue with this is that I expected to keep this, not completely on the up but certainly close. When certain events took place my motivation dwindled. I then felt not quite right and even more so due to the pressure of learning from the year before and the “new year new me” motto.
I recently watched an interesting video on motivation and what good timing. It came up on my recommendations on my phone just as I was feeling very unmotivated. One of the interesting points the video mentioned was something obvious that we probably don’t even realise; motivation requires actually wanting to do something. You also have to look at the reasons why you want to do it. If you don’t want to do it then you are not going to feel very motivated!
When I wrote down my notes I realised the reasons I may have been feeling unmotivated and it made it very clear. An example of motivation is washing up; we may not be motivated to do it because it’s tiring and boring but the reasons for doing it may be motivating.
You may have set yourself some goals for the new year and feel like it’s not going according to plan. I feel like this at the moment but I know that I will bounce back. I am finding myself doing things each day to help because I know I want to achieve them in the long run. I also know that I can give myself time to achieve them. If I feel unmotivated then I have to remind myself as to why they are important to me. This may mean doing less than if I was motivated but at least doing something to work towards them. Ironically, this can trick my mind into feeling motivated.
I also feel like it’s okay to have days where I don’t feel up to it; as long as I make up for it on those other days.
I hope that you find your “why?” I continue to wish 2024 to be a great year
It has been one of the toughest years for me. I have felt very stong emotions that took over me and it was hard to stop it. I finally ackowledged that I needed help and I took the step of reaching out for support which has been truly life changing. There were so many obstacles and challenges. I felt like I had been digging a big hole for such a long time that it felt near enough impossible to climb out of it. There was no light for a while and, at times, I felt unmotivated to even try looking for a light source. I had turned my world completely upside down and I really thought it may not come back around again. The anxiety cloud that I kept trying to move away kept coming back, eventually becoming bigger, darker and with rain, thunder and lightening; this, I could not ignore. I felt like I could not control my emotions and they soon took a hold of me even though I tried to pretend that I could handle them. It is easy to look back on things and think of what we feel are negative experiences. The past can hurt us if we let it. What about what we have learnt?
In a lot of my posts I talk about learning; what can we learn from situations or people? What have we already learnt? The reason I mention this regularly is because I feel like I am learning something nearly everyday. I also think that it is an important part of life; to grow is to learn. I have learnt so many things in 2023. I say this at the end of each year but this year is very much different in the fact it has been such a challenging year mentally. Without my challenges though, I would not havce learnt as much. For this, I am grateful. What is life without a few lessons? What can you take away from 2023 that you have learnt and that has helped you prepare for the year ahead? I have learnt so many things about myself and this has been truly helpful in guiding me towards what I want to achieve. I have reduced old habits and I have given myself more time to really stop and reflect on how I am feeling. I have learnt the importance of simply slowing down and realising that this is actually a good thing; not having to be ‘doing’ all the time. I am not expecting to remember every single thing that I have learnt but I will be writing down the most helpful things that I can take away from 2023 and compare it to the end of 2024. Perhaps you could do the same and comment on what you have learnt? I would be interested to hear what has helped you this year.
Like a clear sky and clear water, you can also make things more clear in your life. I have spent a lot of 2023 trying to declutter my mind as well as physical items. I am doing a lot of decluttering over time of items in my house but I am also going to be setting some new boundaries. These boundaries include not letting people get into my head; I cannot read people’s minds. there have been many times this year where I have been overthinking and making assumptions about other people and what they might think. I know that this does not get me anywhere but writing it down means that I can keep looking at it as a reminder. I will even use post-it notes as these can be handy if I forget. Another boundary will be to not look at my phone so much. I realised that the reason I looked at my phone a lot was due to my anxiety piping up. This was one of the lessons I learnt; asking myself why I was doing it and if it was serving me. Declutteirng can include many things but it needs to be done to ensure that you can give your mind some space. To me, decluttering means to get rid of the things that are filling you up with negativity; to clear what you don’t need or that is bringing you down. Sometimes I can think of it as literally a huge mess in the room; a pile of clothes, toys, food. If you keep filling it up you will have no room to breathe!
Breathing
I have been learning to breathe this year. I know that we all need to breathe! I have taken up doing meditation and breathing exercises to help focus on the present and create a sense of calm. It felt strange at first but then I got used to it. I highly reccommend it. It can be particularly useful to do some breathing exercises when you’ve had a stressful day; a moment in the day to focus on breathing. A quiet room and somewhere comfortable to sit on your own is all you need. Even if it is just a few minutes it is good to stick to it. I admit that I haven’t been doing it as much recently but one of my goals for the new year is to ensure that I do.
Mindset
My mindset has really shifted in the last year. It has been quite difficult to change my inner dialogue but it has truly been one of my biggest changes. Someone mentioned to me a couple of times to change my inner dialogue so that it is more helpful and positive. Sounds simple but true. It is not so simple when you are so used to beating yourself up like I often have this year but, as soon as I put it into practise and reminded myself of what she had said then it got easier. It can really change how you view yourself and your environment. I really learnt the lesson that I am just human and I am not a bad person due to certain mistakes. It is something that I have learnt before but soon got out of the habit, whereas this one has stuck with me this time. You have to really practise this one but once you do it really makes a difference. It doesn’t mean you have to be happy all the time, as we all have down times, but it means not dwelling on the negative.
I tend to mention writing a lot in my blog posts because I find it so theraputic. In 2023 I had been writing my feelings and emotions a lot but what I have found really useful is scheduling a worry time in the evenings. This is where I dedicate 10 minutes a day to write down what has worried me. If some worries come up in the day I acknowledge it and remind myself to add it to my worry time at a certain time in the day or evening. Sometimes, by that point, the worries have gone away but I still write it down anyway just to gain some clarity. Putting pen to paper is like taking it out of your mind and making it make sense. I sometimes uncover truths whilst doing this and it can explain why I felt this way.
Letting People take over your Mind
I must admit, I have done this quite a lot in 2023. Even though I have previously reminded myself to focus on the present and on my growth, I have let my over thinking about others take a hold again. This has vastly improved and I will need to remind myself of this on occasions where it props up. I have even written blog posts about not caring what others think and about overthinking, yet I have found myself struggling this year. However, over the few months I have got better at letting it go and getting over it quickly. My worry time has really uncovered this. I made assumptions and I acted on my anxiety rather than thinking rationally. We all do it. I think the main thing I have taken away from this is that it is not what you think usually and it is none my business. I spent too much time worrying about others instead of focusing on what really matters.
I lost a lot of motivation in 2023 and it was a strange feeling of numbness. There was a time when I didn’t feel much emotion at all which felt strange and I wasn’t sure how to navigate it. I found after a while that it is okay to feel a bit out of it from time to time as long as you find yourself. I certainly found myself and with more ambitions along the way. Sometimes you need to experience something uncomfortable in order for something great to happen. It is also okay not to feel like you’re on top of the world all the time.
Thank you 2023 for giving me so many lessons. I believe this to be the year where I have learnt more than I ever have about my mental health and I am sure I will learn more. When I go into 2024 I will be going in strong. Yes, 2023 has been probably one of the worst years but it has also been one of the best. We need hard times to get to the good times. I hope everyone has learnt also from their year and can take it forward into 2024. May you start your new year with growth and positivity. Happy new year!
A while ago I wrote a blog post about knowing your worth and understanding that you do have value you just have to believe it. This post is going to be something similar but with some added extras that I have learnt about recently.
We are constantly learning about ourselves and the people around us when different events happen. I have recently been finding myself unaffected by what I feel others do better than me. People have different talents and strengths that they can bring to the table, particularly in places of work, but, whatever they can bring, you can also bring something else; you.
It is good to learn new skills and focus on improving certain areas in your life, but it is also imperative that we already know how valuable we are.
I have been writing my worries down for a certain amount of time in the evening and I have been uncovering truths whilst doing this. What I have found is a running theme of past insecurities creeping up; the feeling that I do not hold much value in myself because my worries are of not being enough. These worries stem from some insecurities of wanting to do more or be more which we all feel at times. I had to remind myself that I already have value because I am me. I know that I have certain traits that I am happy about and certain ones I am not so happy about and that is okay. It is about being proud of the person that you are. The traits I am not so happy about I know that I have improved on these over time, but they are not as bad as I once thought they were.
In today’s society I feel we do place a lot of value on what we do and what we have rather than the person that we are. Whilst I feel it is good to have some talents, we must not beat ourselves up if we are not as talented as someone else at something. Some people pick things up quicker than others and that is also okay. This is something I used to feel bad about because I used to find that I was a bit slower. We all learn at our own pace. That is not to say you shouldn’t push yourself a little and try hard, but make sure you remember you have value as a person. You are not what you do, you are who you are.
It is important not to loose your sparkle or let anyone else try to dampen it. We can each find our sparkle once we gain confidence in ourselves. Sometimes this sparkle may reduce down or burn out from time to time. This is life. The sparkle will come alight again if we believe in ourselves.
Time to be positive 